How to Talk About Politics and Other Tricky Topics

You talk about TikTok, math homework, and plans for the weekend. But do you and your friends ever discuss serious topics that affect your community, country, or world? 

At a time when everything from school dress codes to workers’ pay can trigger debates, many Americans don’t. About 45 percent of people in the United States limit who they talk about politics with, according to a survey by the Pew Research Center. 

But avoiding hard conversations isn’t the answer, experts say, especially in a country with almost 330 million people of varied backgrounds, cultures, and beliefs. In fact, talking with each other is key to solving the nation’s problems.

That’s where civil discourse comes in. Civil discourse is the practice of having respectful and constructive conversations with people whose views are different from yours. The goal is not to win an argument or change anyone’s mind but to understand where people are coming from, explains Lara Schwartz. She is the director of the American University Project on Civil Discourse in Washington, D.C. 

A civil conversation can lead to new ideas for addressing issues, Schwartz says. It can also help bridge political or social divides that may feel overwhelming at first.

“Civil discourse shows people that you might be disagreeing with their idea, but you’re not disrespecting them as a person,” explains Schwartz. “It shows that you see the problems of society as separate from the people in it.” 

You talk about TikTok, math homework, and weekend plans. But do you and your friends ever discuss serious topics that affect your community, country, or world?

Many Americans do not. Everything from school dress codes to workers’ pay can trigger debates these days. About 45 percent of people in the United States limit who they talk about politics with. That is according to a survey by the Pew Research Center.

But avoiding hard conversations is not the answer, experts say. That is especially true in a country with almost 330 million people of varied backgrounds, cultures, and beliefs. In fact, talking with each other is key to solving the nation’s problems.

That is where civil discourse comes in. Civil discourse is the practice of having respectful and constructive conversations with people whose views are different from yours. The goal is not to win an argument or change anyone’s mind. It is to understand where people are coming from, explains Lara Schwartz. She is the director of the American University Project on Civil Discourse in Washington, D.C.

A civil conversation can lead to new ideas for addressing issues, Schwartz says. It can also help bridge political or social divides that may feel overwhelming at first.

“Civil discourse shows people that you might be disagreeing with their idea, but you’re not disrespecting them as a person,” explains Schwartz. “It shows that you see the problems of society as separate from the people in it.”

Civil discourse takes practice, whether it’s in the classroom or outside of school. One of the most important skills to master is listening for understanding, says Cheryl Graeve of the National Institute for Civil Discourse in Washington, D.C. Too often, she explains, people plan their response before the other person has even finished talking. 

Ask your friends what they think about a topic, such as equality or the environment, then keep an open mind as you really listen to their answers. “Try to put yourself in the other kid’s shoes,” Graeve says. 

Civil discourse takes practice, whether it is in or outside of school. One of the most important skills to master is listening for understanding, says Cheryl Graeve. She is with the National Institute for Civil Discourse in Washington, D.C. She explains that too often, people plan their response before the other person has even finished talking.

Ask your friends what they think about a topic like equality or the environment. Keep an open mind and really listen to their answers. “Try to put yourself in the other kid’s shoes,” Graeve says.

Restate what the other person just said in your own words—without judgment or accusations—and ask whether you understood him or her correctly. Gain extra insight with follow-up questions, such as What experiences made you think that way about this issue?

As you listen, look for common ground. Maybe you both love a certain hobby, have relatives in the same state, or prioritize values such as respect and freedom. Pointing out connections can make hearing and valuing each other’s input easier. It also can help remind both of you that the other person is a human too. “They may have different life experiences, they may have different beliefs, but they are a human being,” Graeve says.

Restate what the other person just said in your own words. Avoid judgment or accusations. Ask whether you understood him or her correctly. Gain extra insight with follow-up questions. For example, ask What experiences made you think that way about this issue?

As you listen, look for common ground. Maybe you both love a certain hobby or have relatives in the same state. Or you both think values like respect and freedom are important. Finding connections can make it easier to hear and value each other’s input. It also can help remind both of you that the other person is a human too. “They may have different life experiences, they may have different beliefs, but they are a human being,” Graeve says.

Think about a productive goal for the conversation—such as clearly explaining why you feel the way you do about a certain topic. Let’s say your friend texts a meme that you consider offensive. If you are comfortable doing so, seek out that friend to talk in person about the meme and how it made you feel. It’s often easier to stay respectful when you are face-to-face, experts say. 

Research the topic before you get together to help figure out exactly what you want to say—and why (see “Check the Facts!,” below). 

When you meet, take a few breaths before speaking, to center your thoughts and emotions. Set the tone with a statement like I respect you, but I disagree with your opinion on this topic, and here’s why. 

Then “speak from the heart, but also speak with respect,” Graeve advises. Talking from a place of anger or aggression may make your friend less likely to listen. 

Sharing a personal story to demonstrate why you feel the way you do may help the other person see the topic from your perspective, suggests Joseph William Singer, a professor at Harvard Law School in Cambridge, Massachusetts. 

If you and the other person disagree about the facts, you can research them together or separately, then reconvene. “If someone has an opinion because of things that are not true, it is really important for you to figure that out,” Singer says.

Think about a productive goal for the conversation, such as clearly explaining your feelings on a topic. Let’s say your friend texts a meme that you consider offensive. If you are comfortable doing so, talk to that friend in person about the meme. Say how it made you feel. It is often easier to stay respectful face-to-face, experts say.

Research the topic before meeting. It will help you decide exactly what you want to say and why. (See “Check the Facts!,” below.)

When you meet, take a few breaths before speaking to center your thoughts and emotions. Set the tone with a statement like I respect you, but I disagree with your opinion on this topic, and here is why.

Then “speak from the heart, but also speak with respect,” Graeve advises. Talking from a place of anger or aggression may make your friend less likely to listen.

Sharing a personal story to show why you feel the way you do may help the other person see the topic from your point of view, suggests Joseph William Singer. He is a professor at Harvard Law School in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

What if you and the other person disagree about the facts? You can research them together or separately, then reconvene. “If someone has an opinion because of things that are not true, it is really important for you to figure that out,” Singer says.

Achieving solutions through civil discourse can take time. (Our nation’s founders took months to agree on what the U.S. Constitution should say!) But the better you get at it, the more power you’ll have. 

That’s because a democracy like the United States works best when people exchange ideas respectfully, Schwartz says. For example, at some point you might want your town to adopt a new policy. You’re more likely to succeed in making that happen if you can persuade other people to agree with you. 

You’re also more likely to come up with solutions that other people can agree on if you understand multiple perspectives, Schwartz says. “Being wide open to how people are thinking can give you the power to solve problems and get far in life,” she explains.

So go ahead and get talking—civilly, of course. 

Achieving solutions through civil discourse can take time. (Our nation’s founders took months to agree on what the U.S. Constitution should say!) But the better you get at it, the more power you will have.

That is because a democracy like the United States works best when people exchange ideas respectfully, Schwartz says. For example, at some point you might want your town to adopt a new policy. You are more likely to make that happen if you can persuade others to agree with you.

You are also more likely to come up with solutions that other people can agree on if you understand multiple points of view, Schwartz says. “Being wide open to how people are thinking can give you the power to solve problems and get far in life,” she explains.

So go ahead and get talking—civilly, of course.